Jane Austen & the Friendgirl

Some time ago one of my friends shared an article with me, and I have given it a LOT of thought in the few years since I first got it from her. That article was called, Your Friendgirl Deserves Better. And it is really good. You should read it sometime, whoever you are. Boy or girl. But especially boys. And girls.

For some reason it re-surfaced in my pool of thought recently. And of course this made me think of Jane Austen.

I don't really know why, except, hey, Jane Austen.

And once I started thinking about Jane Austen and Friendgirls, it seemed to me that she had plenty to say on the subject.

Except, in Austen, once someone points out to a guy that he has a Friendgirl, he either has to

A. Marry her, STAT, or
B. Look like a jerk. To put it politely.

I feel this is more clear in the books than the movies. The clearest one I thought of was in Persuasion: the Musgrove girls and Captain Wentworth.

If you have no exposure to Persuasion, I can't vouch for the understandability of this particular blog post. Notwithstanding the fact that this is theeee most under-appreciated Austen and possibly therefore the one with which you are nawt familiar, we shall plunge ahead forthwith.

Before we plunge, one more note: if you have only seen a movie version of Persuasion and not read the book, yet still consider yourself familiar with the story...please excuse me while I express my humble opinion that you are suffering under a delusion. One cannot be familiar with Anne Elliot without reading the book. They never do her right in the movies. And Anne Elliot is My Very Favorite.

Now, plunging ahead.

As Jane Austen states in a different book of hers: "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in posession of a large fortune must be in want of a wife." As this is universally acknowledged, the Musgroves know that when Captain Wentworth comes into the neighborhood of Uppercross, he probably will marry one of their daughters: Louisa or Henrietta. Not only is this initially assumed, but Captain Wentworth soon gives plenty of reasons for them to feel perfectly assured of it. He spends nearly all his free time with the family. He has intense, personal conversations with the girls. He spends one-on-one time with them. He has inside jokes with them. He gives warm personal praise. He encourages and helps to plan trips together. You could argue he's just being a good friend...who just happens to be handsome and single. (Is this sounding famililar?)

There's quite a bit of discussion among the Musgrove family about which sister he'll end up with. Anne Elliot, while doing her best to avoid being drawn into these conversations, observes the following to herself: 

"As to Captain Wentworth's views, she deemed it of more consequence that he should know his own mind, early enough not to be endangering the happiness of either sister, or impeaching his own honor."

What an idea nowadays, hmm? A man knowing his own mind BEFORE he endangers the happiness of a young woman. I believe this is what many Christian commentors have come to refer to as "being intentional."

How many men do you know that you'd refer to as intentional? As "knowing their own minds"?

In my own experience, and observation of the experience of friends, the approach of young men now tends more towards, "So, uhm-uh, you wanna go for coffee sometime, and see where we end up?"

Yeaaah...no.

I mean, is that a date? Or is it not? Is that "hanging out"? Does hanging out mean he wants to be friends? Or, like, more than friends? How many coffees makes us friends? How many coffees makes me his girlfriend? How many coffees does it take before we go to dinner? Is dinner a date? Who's paying? And what kind of places does he usually end up when he's not sure "where we end up"?

I know guys who say that the above paragraph is exactly why they never ask girls out: "I take her to dinner and she's wondering when we're getting married." 

To paraphrase another Austen gem: a young lady's mind jumps from admiration to love and from love to marriage in a single bound.

Girls, don't be that girl. Guard your heart and all that good stuff that we Good Girls hear in our Christian bookstore books all the time. Don't start planning whose nieces will be old enough to act as flower girl the moment he asks for your number. And do not start listening to T-Swift music when you get home after your first date. Please.

But also don't beat yourself up for having a feminine heart. The feminine heart is designed by God to hope and dream and be a place of shelter and comfort for a hard-fighting knight. 

I know it can be tempting to convince a man you can BE that shelter for him. Oh, so tempting. I know how it feels when you've been waiting and hoping a guy is going to get up the nerve to ask you out after you've been (oh-so-subtly) encouraging him and the moment comes and your breath catches waiting for him to ask you out to that romantic dinner you've been day-dreaming about and he opens his mouth and says: "So, uhhm-uhh...coffee sometime?"

And I know it's easy to swallow your disappointment at the flat staleness of such a question, and promise yourself that a casual coffee will really be much less pressure and is a much better idea than a real-awkward first-date-type-thing, and eventually if you are enouraging enough at these coffee-deals he possibly will get up the nerve to ask you out on a for-real staight-up date, probably. Maybe.

Don't do it.

And by "it," I don't mean coffee - I mean don't settle for ambiguity. 

Emotional bonding is a powerful thing. Sliding into these uncertain relationships because we're craving the excitment that comes from even the possiblity of this being "the one" while our hearts ache with longing for marriage and a home is only asking for trouble in the Heart-land. As Anne Elliot considers in Persuasion: "She could not but think...that Captain Wentworth was not in love with either. They were more in love with him; yet there it was not love. It was a little fever of admiration; but it might, probably must, end in love with some." 

If he's not pursuing and doing his best to win the love of your heart, do you really want to spend any amount of time wondering if you care more about him than he does about you? Vulnerability is a gift to be given, not a possibility to be passed over. 

See, I have a theory (don't I always?) and even though I'm not yet married myself, this theory has pretty good evidence to back it up. Theory runs as follows: the devil hates marriage. Current culture is not marriage-friendly. And even with all God's help and the good Catholic sacramental grace juice flowing in a sound Catholic marrage, human nature makes marriage HARD. The world, the devil, and our own well-rooted selfishness will do everything in their power to rip you and your spouse apart. You will need to choose your husband over and over again every day. 

Now, please hear me right on this: I'm not saying you decide your entire future based on the first impression, or even the first date. But I do believe casual/recreational dating is not healthy. Instead, be honest with each other about the direction a relationship is headed and whether or not it is marriage-minded. Don't date somebody you know you'd never marry. 

Your husband will need to choose you. He will need to romance you over and over again, because that's how our hearts work. He will need to fight for you, win you, and cherish you every day for the rest of your lives.

If a guy can't figure out how to ask you out on an actual date in the first place...does that inspire you with confidence for the long-term possibilities? 

I am speaking from some experience here. I have had that awkward conversation where my response to the coffee question is: "Actually, I don't spend time with guys alone unless it's a date. If you want to hang out you can join a group event with my friends."

More than once, I have had that conversation. I even had a conversation once where I explained to a guy what I considered to qualify as a date. I appreciated him wanting to clarify what I expected. Clarity is good. Doubt and anxiety are not a good way to start any relationship, whether you're going to date or not. 

Am I hard on guys? Sure. Happy to admit it. I mean, I'm polite, but I have expectations. Some people call them high. I call them reasonable. I prefer awkward up-front moments to long-drawn-out anxiety. I am convinced one is much healthier for our hearts than the other. 

Please let me encourage you: it is possible for a man to do this asking thing well. The day I met my sweetheart Alex, he sought out a moment alone in a sizable group of friends and said, "I've been wanting to come up to Houston...could I drive up next weekend and take you to the ballet?" 

After I squeaked out an affirmative response in a volume about a decibel higher than normal (I was so stunned. Pleasantly stunned) he smiled and went on, "Great! I'll look up what's being performed and get the tickets. May I have your phone number so I can call you with the details?"

Initiative, invitation, clarity. 

Really, that has set the tone for our entire relationship. He reminds me all the time, "Don't worry, I'll take care of it." "You don't have to wonder - I'll keep pursuing you."

And he does. 

Hold out for that, sweet friends. Don't be a Friendgirl. I know well the days when hope is hard to find, much less hold on to. My prayer for you is that you are filled with confidence that fulfillment in God's time is worth the wait in-between, and much sweeter than any temporary satisfaction we can get settling for less.

Blip on the Radar or...what?

So first off, I'd like to make any of my gal pals feel better about St. Valentine's Day by letting you know that things could really be worse. For instance:

I mean, really. That happened. Wendy Davis makes me mad, so we're not gonna talk about her a lot right now but...Again, really. Things could be worse. You could be a Wendy Davis supporter.

(P.S. If you ARE a Wendy Davis supporter, first of all I don't really know how you ended up here on my blog but I imagine it's a fascinating story so second of all, we need to have some words. If you want to have a conversation about this please feel free to message me. If you don't want to have a conversation, message me anyway and you don't have to tell me what you think since it's not supposed to be a conversation but I could tell you what I think since you DID message me and actually, I would probably enjoy that more anyway. So, ya know, whatevs.)

But anyway, I have this theory. Well, I have a lot of theories, but here we are to discuss one in particular.

It concerns St. Valentine's Day.

Now, the girls are groaning because I mentioned "it" and the guys are all, "What, is that happening already? What is today? When is that again?"

I'm not saying this because of any man-haterness, really. I try to keep my man-hater levels low. They're lookin' pretty good today. I just really think that happens. I had that theory before, but then this morning something happened that not only gave my sweetheart and I a good laugh, but proved my theory. For the record, he stated it proved my theory.

My theory is this:

For girls (in general), in January St. Valentine's Day be like this:

This is a radar. With a bogie on it. And whoever's screen this is, they know EXACTLY where that bogie is, the speed of its approach, the size of its magnitude, and the potentiality of its chocolatude. (As in, the possibility it's bringing chocolate. Or not.)

For guys (in general),  in January St. Valentine's Day be like this:

This is a casual shrug. As in, a casual shrug. 

Because, dude, we got time.

So, my Valentine bogie has been blipping away in the radar screen corner of my mind there for a while. I started a 30-Day novena (St. Joseph for THE WIN) and was pleasantly surprised to see the 30th day was, ya know, February 14th. I have begun to plot who shall be The Box Getters of the year. I started getting stuff for Valentine cards yesterday. I know riiiiiiiight where that blipping bogie is.

I wrote a post about it last year. Out of all the many, many blog posts I have written (hardy har har) that post snagged one of the highest numbers of page views ever. It was pop-yoo-lar. Lots of single girls I knew had lots to say about it.

But a few things have happened since then. In fact, just three weeks after I posted it, I met a guy. Actually, a man. I knew a lot of guys. And then I met a man. At the beginning of February I snarkily wrote:

"I think most Catholic girls know when Ash Wednesday falls in relation to St. Valentine's Day...Because [maybe] they're in a relationship with a Totally Rad Catholic Dude and want to know if they'll be able to eat the Very Expensive Chocolate he's definitely going to get them (if he's smart, but he's Totally Rad so obviously he's smart enough to know Very Expensive Chocolate is in order)."

So, three weeks later I met the aforementioned man, and a week after that he arrived at my family's home to meet them before taking me out on our first date. After we got in the car (don't worry, he opened my door), he handed me a little gold box, and said with a twinkle in his verrrry pleasant-looking blue eyes,

"I read your blog, so, I thought some chocolate was in order. Sorry I was late."

*aside* You guys, I know! Right?

*ahem*

So, fast forward alllmost a year, and duh, he is still around because, duh, you just do not let guys like that go. Especially if they will not leave when you try really hard to drive them off. Those are the ones you wanna keep keep keep.

Which he didn't. So I did. So here we are, as I was saying, alllmost a year later, and he came to my work this morning to keep me from losing my humanity on this day, being January 22nd, with which I have a love-hate relationship. One of the sundry tasks of the morning was to go get a cake for a co-worker's birthday. We walked into the store and I spotted some of those yummy fluffy sugar cookies they have in (ladies, you prolly know the ones) and they happened to be covered in pink and they happened to be heart-shaped. And they happened to be in the middle of a pink-and-red display which I have already grown accustomed to spotting in da stores.

Me: "Aww, how cute!"
Sweetheart: "Is that for Valentine's Day? Already?"
Me: "Of course, it's only a few weeks away."
Sweetheart: "When is that? February 14th?" *shrugs and grins* "Oh, I have plenty of time."
*pause*
Me: "You just proved my theory."

After explaining my theory, he laughed (he has such a delightful laugh) and agreed my theory was sound.

Of course, then:

Sweetheart: "I was late last year. But you don't have to worry about this one. You can look forward to it." 
Me:

Anyway.

The point of this was, I had been thinking how I was feeling about Valentine's Day last year. I definitely had my moments of dread as it approached. But since last year, not only do I know my sweet Alex, I've been part of two weddings. These weddings happened for beautiful Catholic women whom I knew before they knew the men who are now their husbands. I remember the conversations full of longing, full of frustration, full of fading hope. Both of these women were serving faithfully in the waiting times, and struggling to hold onto the promise that God was going to provide for the dreams He'd placed in their hearts.

For each of my friends, God did send a very fine man. A man who was even more than had been dreamed of. A man who offered unconditional, godly, Christ-honoring love.

Both of my friends had beautiful weddings. It brought profound joy and peace to my heart to be a part of those special days, and to know my precious friends were walking toward holiness with such partners.

If you're still in your waiting time, please let me encourage you: God has a more profound desire for your joy and holiness even than you do. Sometimes His timing seems long, but I trust it is perfect. Hold on for it.

And in the meantime, it really does pour joy into your heart to put together some boxes. :)

P.S. Supposedly Pantone's Color of the Year is a big stinkin' deal - had no idea - but now I do, which is pretty rad since 2014's is "Radiant Orchid". I feel like that's about as much excuse as I need to use Plum in my valentines, so I am. So there. In any case the point is, ya know, be creative if you like that kind of thing. Which I do. And if you like that Pinterest thing, do that too, cuz eventually you should really do some of that cra-I mean, uhm, crafts, that you pin. Or whatever. Pinterest confuses me. I just wander around Hobby Lobby in a happy daze and try really hard to buy no more than 25% of the things I think I HAVE to have. Currently I am thinking pearls, lace, and the aforementioned Plum, so if you have some crafty ideas you love, do tell.

Sherlock, Wilberforce, & Being a Karen

January normally reminds me how long I’ve been doing pro-life work.

This is partly because our Houston Coalition for Life Benefit Dinner comes around in March, so in January I’m beginning to design invitations and flyers and wrangle volunteers, and I start to think about the Benefit and how I was hired at HCL the week of a Benefit Dinner that happened on my 21^st birthday. This year’s Benefit happens two days after my 25^th birthday.

Four years at HCL means I’m about to start my 5^th year as a Programs Coordinator and my 9^th 40 Days for Life campaign. But it also reminds me of the work I did as a volunteer before that  - my family had always been involved, but I “made it my own” about halfway between 19 and 20 years old. I was looking for my own little niche, something I think a lot of young adults who take their faith seriously probably do about that age. I’d just moved back to Houston after a stint at a college in a different city, and needed to belong somewhere.

Then I met Karen.

Karen knew (and knows) everybody. Karen was (and is) a hub of Houston’s pro-life network. And in order to belong, all I needed was to know her. Meeting her was an introduction to a world I’d been searching for. She sent me invitations, introductions, opportunities, and schedules. She gave rides, encouragement, mentoring, and more. Karen found a kid who needed a niche, and then she found a niche for the kid. She did it for me, and I’ve seen her do it for literally dozens of others. Already a good and beloved friend of HCL at that time, she helped introduce me to the people who became responsible for my being given an opportunity to do pro-life work full-time. Even now, she’s one of the volunteers I’m responsible for coordinating, and she’s a crown-jewel in a treasury of wonderful people.

I remember one particular conversation I had with her, right at the beginning of our friendship. She was giving me a ride (again) between a training session and lunch. We were having some conversation about being effective (don’t all pro-lifers love that conversation?) and William Wilberforce came up. I’d seen “Amazing Grace” not too long before and was totally enamored with William Wilberforce. Karen loved that I loved him, and we had a super-fun conversation solving all the problems of the world in general.

A great article regarding William Wilberforce and some of the exact the themes Karen and I discussed that day was published recently. It reminded me of my conversation with Karen, and gave me the desire to watch the film again. This week, marking the 41^st anniversary of the Roe v. Wade decision, is a perfect time to watch it. William Wilberforce has a lot to teach pro-lifers. I’ll let you watch the movie to find out why, but to get you to watch the movie, here are some mostly reasonable and occasionally shallow reasons to go for it: 

1. Because Ioan Gruffudd's Wilberforce will convict you.

   (Reasonable Reason)

Already an actor I liked, Ioan Gruffudd (I believe this is correctly pronounced Yowan Griffiths, dude's Welsh) does a spectacular job as William Wilberforce. He makes accessible the complexity of Wilberforce's journey, and there were so many things in the character arc I can now relate to even better: his yearning for a quiet life, the devastation he feels over the plight of the slaves, the conviction he must act, his exhaustion after years of advocacy, and the determination of the final stretch are all well-played by Gruffudd. He even sings for us. 

2. Because, Benedict Cumberbatch. 

(Totally Reasonable and Maaayyybe Slightly Shallow Reason)

Uhm, hello, I for sure know there are people who do not need another reason to watch something besides this. Because, Benedict Cumberbatch. This movie was the first time I ever saw or heard of him. This movie is the reason I watched the second Star Trek. And Sherlock. And watching the new episode of Sherlock made me want to watch this movie, again. Because, Benedict Cumberbatch. Seriously though, BC is really a great actor, and his William Pitt will knock your socks off. He's brilliant showing the arc of a complicated character over a few decades and even makes us feel some sympathy for politicians. Sort of. 

3. Because Barbara Spooner is an ACTUAL Feminine Role Model. Also, Redhead.

   (REASONABLE REASONS. Seriously.)

Romola Garai sparkles (and occasionally snaps) as Barbara Spooner. Who is Barbara Spooner? Well, as depicted in this film, Barbara is the feisty, spirited, opinionated, knock-out redhead (REDHEAD!) that captures Wilberforce's heart and gives him his fight back...and also wears gorgeous clothes. While adding comic relief to the storyline, she is a wonderful example of *spoiler warning but dude, not really because the outcome is super obvious* what a good wife should be. Gentle, encouraging, firm, persevering, and supportive, while being still very much her own person - Barbara Spooner is one of my favorites ever. And Romola does her really, really well. Also I want to walk around looking like this, too:

4. Because I know people like this:

I am convinced that behind every engaged activist, there is a Hannah More or a Karen who helped them find their niche. Wilberforce has some Karens. Wilberforce IS a Karen for a few people. The movie shows the importance not only of having a Karen, but of BEING a Karen.

5. Because of Matthew 10:16.

"Behold, I am sending you like sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and simple as doves."

Wilberforce is a role model for pro-lifers because he illustrates this command of Our Lord remarkably well. It can be so difficult to find the balance between lax self-content and off-putting extremism. The balance we want to strike is a sincere dedication that attracts others to join us in our efforts to defend life. Wilberforce can help us learn how to find it.

Do Not "STOP" In The Driveway. Or, "You keep posting signs, but all I see is blah, blah, blah."

For everybody that's been wondering about PPGC's new signs, this is how we're updating our Sidewalk Counselors (SWCs). 

And in case you haven't seen the signs yet, here it is.

Also, if you haven't seen the signs: they been up a couple weeks now - where ya been, kid?

---------------------------------------------------------------
As far as the signs stating that “stopping” in the driveway is against the law, the actual wording in the law is a regulation for the facility in regards to its ambulatory surgical center (ASC) license and states the following:

“(f) Fire department access. As an aid to fire department services, every ASC shall provide the following.
(1) Driveways. The ASC shall maintain driveways, free from all obstructions, to main buildings for fire department apparatus use.”

So, saying it’s against the law to "stop" in the driveway is totally outrageous for several reasons:
1. It’s impossible to never stop in the driveways. People stop in the driveways all the time when they’re exiting the parking lot in order to yield to oncoming traffic.
2. The law doesn’t say not to STOP in the driveways, it says not to BLOCK the driveways. Since there are two open driveways for clients to access the parking lot, having a car stop in one driveway does not block access since there is another driveway available.
3. You can’t be blocking the driveway if there’s no-one trying to enter or exit, so pausing in the driveway for a conversation is not disrupting the flow of traffic if there is no traffic flow. Also, it still wouldn’t disrupt because of the aforementioned second driveway. However:
4. The regulation isn’t even in place concerning the flow of traffic, it’s concerning access for EMERGENCY vehicles. Planned Parenthood doesn’t bring emergency vehicles into the client parking lot in any case. It is well-documented that they send an employee out of the employee parking lot to enter the gate code to open access for emergency vehicles to come in to the employee parking lot. Several HCL employees have seen this happen in person on multiple occasions, and we have photo documentation of several instances. I saw it happen myself within the past two weeks. If anything, the gates around Planned Parenthood’s employee parking lot is breaking the law MUCH more than a sidewalk counselor holding brief conversations with clients in the client driveways, since this law pertains to emergency vehicle access.

One of our SWCs was approached by a PPGC volunteer and told the signs were in place because PPGC is "a hospital." Okay everybody: they are NOT a hospital. They are an Ambulatory Surgical Center (ASC). For more on the differences, you can see here: http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/hfp/rules.shtm. It’s factually false to claim they are a hospital, and if it comes up again and you want something to say, you can just ask casually, “If you’re a hospital, why are your doctors required to have admitting privileges at another hospital before they can perform procedures here?” It’s part of state law now that the abortion practitioners have those hospital admitting privileges before they can perform abortions in an ambulatory surgical center. They’re an ASC, not a hospital.

As usual this is much more about PPGC trying to intimidate sidewalk counselors than it is about the law. But this is a good sign – if your hard work wasn’t successful, they wouldn’t care enough to make stuff like this up!

(Special Thanks to our faithful SWCs: M, S, and R for their insightful suggestions that helped make up the whole.)